Sebastian Berry

Sebastian wrote ‘Dysphoria’, which was runner-up for Deanna Rodger's masterclass 'Form in Poetry'

"I am a silly noise maker, odd sock wearing Plymouth based theatre maker and writer. I am also the founder of 'Ugly Duck Theatre Company'.

The inspiration for my work is deeply rooted in the LGBTQ+ community, as well as the young people I work with and mentor so it is incredibly important that the pieces I write stay true to the people they represent.
I am currently developing several short scripts both for film and stage exploring themes of gender, sexuality and relationships.

My goal is to make theatre and performance accessible, encourage conversations, and platform untold stories in order to challenge harmful stereotypes.

I am thankful for the opportunity to take part in this competition because it has given me the chance to tell my story to a wider audience of readers."

Instagram/Twitter: @uglyducktheatre

Dysphoria

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, dysphoria is, “a state of unease or generalised dissatisfaction with life”. And according to the NHS, gender dysphoria is, “a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there is a mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity”.

For me, dysphoria is not having the words as a child to explain to my mum why I didn’t want to wear a dress to prom or tell my friends I’d rather not have a pamper party.

Dysphoria is the little voice inside my head that whispers. It says, “your jaw isn’t square, you can’t grow a beard or style your hair”.

Dysphoria is using ten times more energy to let words leave my lips for fear of my voice being too high and breaking.

Dysphoria is sleepless nights or anxious dreams and not knowing which of the two I’d prefer to suffer through.

Dysphoria is hiding my self-inflicted wounds but showing off my surgical scars because I think people will care more about those.

Dysphoria is breaking through one wall only to be met with hundreds more all made with reinforced steel stopping me from getting to the person I want to be.

Dysphoria is spending all day in bed, buried underneath a mountain of blankets because I reeeeeally don’t want to people today.

Dysphoria is walking around my room with my eyes to the ground so I don’t catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and not recognise my own reflection.

Dysphoria is deciding whether or not I can hold off going to the bathroom because I can’t stand to pee.

Dysphoria is struggling to quit smoking because as a kid I thought the chemicals would help to lower my voice and by the time I realised that wasn’t the case, I’d become addicted.

Dysphoria is wearing a beanie on bad days. To protect my brain. I know that sounds ridiculous.

Dysphoria is going through phases of not wanting to eat in an attempt to cut my curves but getting so dizzy I can’t function which is shortly followed by binge eating because fuck it I’ll never look like I want to.

Dysphoria is trying to figure out how to sit to best suit my frame without highlighting any odd bits.

Dysphoria is wearing baggy clothes, and lots of them, even in the summer when I’m sweating my ass off and wishing I could just go commando.

Dysphoria is buying lots of black and blue because in my head that’s more manly and I’m less likely to be called out by someone.

Dysphoria is thinking about my future and not knowing what to aim for because I know I won’t be cast in certain roles.

Dysphoria is hating being by myself because my brain goes into overdrive when I’m left in my own company.

Dysphoria is spending more time with girls because I understand how they work and I won’t feel as awkward as I do with a group of guys.

Dysphoria is showering in the dark or with my eyes shut and then rushing to get dressed again because being naked is worse than a nightmare.

Dysphoria is being unable to hold down a relationship because I don’t think I deserve to be loved like that and dysphoria is getting awkward about intimacy because I can’t look at myself let alone have anyone else see me.

Dysphoria is hating the fact that I have to take medication for the rest of my life so I can somewhat appear how I want to.

Dysphoria is wanting to go to the gym but never actually going because I feel intimidated by the other guys that go there.

Dysphoria is self-deprecation because that way nothing you say can hurt me as much as the words I tell myself and dysphoria is pretending that ‘those’ jokes you tell are funny because I’m not brave enough to tell you to shut the fuck up.

But hey, dysphoria’s not all bad.

Dysphoria allows me to consistently, whole heartedly put the needs of others first, because I sure as hell don’t give a shit about myself.

© Sebastian Berry, 2021